Audio By Carbonatix
Monday night is Halloween. Which means it’s time to start thinking about what you’ll be handing out to the little ones this year. If you’re awesome, we know you’ll be the house with the king-size Snickers bars and the werewolf droppings.
But if you hate kids and you’re also the worst at life, here’s a list of five candies (besides the obvious worst: candy corn) we’re pretty sure you’ll be giving out:
1. Giant Shitty Candy
You’d think that any candy in a giant form would be better, but you’d be so awfully, horribly wrong about that.
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2. Circus Peanuts
Even the circus is like, “Seriously dude, these are fucking nasty.”
3. Those Grody, Waxy Pumpkin Things
How ’bout making pumpkins taste like pumpkins? No? Oh, right. Obviously they should taste like piss instead.
4. Pumpkin Peeps
You, sirs, are not Peeps. Peeps are fuckin’ baby-chicken-shaped and yellow. They’re classy. And they’re named Peeps because that’s the sound baby chickens make. You poseur pumpkin Peeps can suck a candy corn.
5. Those green peppermints and hard candies only the worst restaurants give out
You’re not a Chili’s. Stop acting like one.
Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.
