Audio By Carbonatix
Although the new year is a few weeks away, as an early Christmas gift, we offer this list of resolutions. We know you don’t need these–you’re thin, beautiful, rich, smoke- and disease-free. But just in case…
1. I will quit smoking.
2. I will lose weight.
3. I will stop referring to myself in the third person.
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4. I will stop referring to my wife as “what’s-her-name.”
5. I will stop referring to two wins in a row as a “winning streak.”
6. I will stop downloading porn from the Internet on company time.
7. I will stop calling people “dude.”
8. I will stop wearing hip-huggers and clogs.
9. I will stop taking business lunches at Cabaret Royale.
10. I will get a real haircut that doesn’t make me look like Frankenstein.
11. I will stop referring to the mayor as “Ted Benavides.”
12. I will stop letting Robert Decherd tell me what to do.
13. I will stop collecting a paycheck for “writing.”
14. I will go back to the gym and actually use the equipment this time.
15. I will stop dancing in public.
16. I will stop picking my nose when I think no one is looking.
17. I will stop illegally burning CDs and taking money out of the pockets of millionaires.
18. I will stop talking about me all the time.
19. I will listen to what you have to say.
20. Did you say something?
21. I will pick up a check every so often.
22. I will get someone pregnant.
23. I will see the dentist sometime this decade.
24. I will start wearing pants.
25. I will stop referring to my privates as “paradise alley.”
26. I will stop eating red meat.
27. I will stop eating fish.
28. I will stop eating vegetables.
29. I will stop eating.
30. I will stop dating strippers.
31. I will start dating hookers.
32. I will stop getting plastic surgery.
33. I will stop wearing hairpieces.
34. I will fire Dave Campo.
35. I will see a movie in a foreign language and like it.
36. I will stop referring to Shawn Bradley as “good” or “promising.”
37. I would love to love you, baby.
38. I will start using spellchek.
39. I will stop using my cell phone while in the car.
40. I will stop hanging up on my mother.
41. I will stop answering the phone by saying, “Go.”
42. I will stop referring to my children as “what’s-their-names.”
43. I will stop crank-calling 911.
44. I will give the police a 15 percent raise…maybe.
45. I will sell a sports team.
46. I will buy an airplane off the Internet.
47. I will stop locking my kid in a closet.
48. I will learn how to speak a second language that isn’t “British.”
49. I will stop referring to Dallas as “The City of Hate.”
50. I will stop going to Dealey Plaza at midnight to re-enact the assassination of JFK.
51. I will stop making the thumbs-up gesture when I agree with someone.
52. I will stop driving to Krispy Kreme at 11:55 p.m.
53. I will stop playing Grand Theft Auto Vice City till 4 a.m.
54. I will stop referring to Jackass as the “greatest movie ever made.”
55. I will stop ordering Pizza Hut every night.
56. As if it wasn’t obvious, I will stop smoking dope.
57. I will stop referring to the city charter as “inconsequential nonsense.”
58. I will stop arresting innocent people.
59. I will learn the difference between cocaine and chalk powder.
60. I will hold my job forever no matter how many times I fuck up.
61. I will not run for mayor.
62. I will stop urinating in public unless absolutely necessary.
63. I will stop referring to the boss as “who?”
64. I will stop asking you to “smell this.”
65. I will stop being jealous of friends who are more successful than I.
66. I will get new friends.
67. I will use my turn signal.
68. I will stop swearing.
69. Fuck that.
70. I will stop believing those are “actual photos.”
71. I will stop pretending I am embarrassed by escort ads since they do pay my rent.
72. I will learn how to cook something other than pasta.
73. I will stop watching television.
74. I will buy a book that doesn’t have pictures in it.
75. I will stop trying to write off Maxim as a business expense.
76. I will stop searching the Internet for nude pictures of Bea Arthur.
77. I will use my looks for good, not evil.
78. I will stop referring to a certain former gubernatorial candidate as “Dirty Sanchez.”
79. I can dance if I want to, I can leave my friends behind.
80. I will stop insisting I read Tiger Beat for the articles.
81. I will stop promising what I cannot deliver.
82. I will stop referring to my husband as “Steve…something.”
83. I will stop pretending I am a Democrat.
84. I will stop dating models unless absolutely necessary.
85. I will stop referring to Dirk Nowitzki as “Eva Brawny.”
86. I will stop reveling in the misfortune of others unless absolutely necessary.
87. I will stop referring to the American Airlines Center as “that overpriced toilet bowl.”
88. I will dome the Cotton Bowl.
89. I will build a glorious urban development on the Trinity River.
90. I will turn downtown Dallas into Central Park.
91. I will pick up some “magic dust” that makes the impossible possible.
92. I will learn how to play a musical instrument instead of merely blowing it out my ass.
93. I will use a fork.
94. I will learn how to spoon and like it.
95. I will stop leaving knives in my friends’ backs.
96. I will learn how to throw a spiral.
97. I will stop wasting second-round draft picks.
98. I will find out how much money the city has “loaned” Diane Ragsdale and Al Lipscomb.
99. I will stop referring to Terrell Bolton as “Gary Coleman.”
100. I will stop imagining Heather Hayes delivering the news in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit.
101. I will stop watching The Mark Cuban Show. Wait, I mean start watching it. Wait…
102. I will not let Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez or Kenny Rogers sign with another team.
103. I will stop lying.
104. I will stop believing the Texas Rangers “have a shot” after May.
105. I will stop referring to The Dallas Morning News as “readable.”
106. I can’t drive 55.
107. I will stop giving high fives.
108. I will stop taking the High Five.
109. I will stop pretending I can grow a beard.
110. I will never grow a moustache again.
111. I will begin a lifelong journey to realize my potential as a loving being capable of helping others without a thought given to my own needs, wants or desires.
112. I will so not.
113. I will stop referring to Quincy Carter as “quarterback.”
114. I will stop referring to poetry as “an art form.”
115. I will always love you.
116. I will admit I bet on baseball.
117. I will find out just where South Dallas is and actually go there.
118. I will stop referring to “5 and 11” as a winning season.
119. I will stop making fun of LeAnn Rimes.
120. I will stop trying to figure out which of the Dixie Chicks is “the hot one.”
121. I will forgive, but I will not forget.
122. I will finally admit that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.
123. Well, he did. D’uh.
124. I will stop listening to Radio Disney until I have children of my own.
125. I will stop calling talk radio.
126. I will take the city for all it’s worth.
127. I will try to remember who the superintendent of DISD is.
128. I will try to find out whatever happened to John Wiley Price.
129. I will stop giggling whenever I hear the word “Sheetrock.”
130. I will win more football games than SMU.
131. I will marry Angie Harmon. This, I vow.
132. I will stop giving D an F.
133. I will stop giving money to KERA-FM until they bring back music.
134. I am not kidding.
135. I will kill Barney.
136. I will stop biting the hand that feeds me.
137. I will stop biting the hand that feels me.
138. I will stop trading for 7-foot-6 Mormons.
139. I will stop putting only white people on the cover of my magazine.
140. I will stop frequenting strip clubs on the city’s dime.
141. I will stop holding the Cowboys hostage just because I am the NFL’s all-time leading rusher.
142. I will stop pretending getting off on a technicality is the same thing as “not guilty.”
143. I will get to those potholes just as soon as those suckers re-elect me, ha ha.
144. I will stop pretending I give a damn.
145. Because I don’t.
146. I will stop pretending Ray Hunt and Ron Kirk are evil.
147. I will keep smoking in restaurants. No, you go to hell.
148. I will get that hacking cough checked by a doctor sometime this year.
149. I will smoke a joint with Mark Stepnoski.
150. I will do all of the above.