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When the chefs heard that this week’s Elimination Challenge would be a fried chicken challenge, Valentine just about screamed, “AAAAhhahahahahahahahahahahaha eff all you effers, this one’s miiiiiiiine!! All mine!!”
I thought that the other contestants would at least make it a little difficult for Valentine to take this challenge from them, but there were few chefs who made legit, on-the-bone, fried chicken. Sheldon made a Momofuku knock-off for David Chang, who owns Momofuku and invented Momofuku fried chicken. Stefan made chicken Cordon Bleu instead of making fried chicken, and Josie kept Guy Fieri-ing so loudly about how kickass her fried chicken always is that we all knew it had to be terrible. Brooke and Lizzy chose to serve up some breaded chicken breast bullshit. They threw away all the bones and cut the breasts off the chicken and fried that. The fuck, you people?
At one point, a frustrated Wolfgang Puck spoke the exact words that were in my head about the crap that some of the contestants have been pulling with their fried chicken attempts. After some of the other fancy judges talked about the importance of including the bones in fried chicken, so you can get some serious flavor, Puck yelled at the chicken, “Why the fuck you don’t have no bones?”
Valentine wins the shit out of this elimination challenge. He won this challenge like Dolly Parton wins at having boobs.
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Valentine’s reward for winning? Josie is finally sent home! It’s Top Chef Christmas for everyone!! Oh, and he gets 365 bottles of wine. So, if he looks a little wine-hammered at FT33 while he’s serving up desserts, be sure to high five him and thank him for not fucking up his fried chicken.
We hope you win, Valentine. Because if one of those chicken breast people wins this whole thing, we’re gonna have to cut a bitch.
Predictions for next week: Judges serve Valentine up another softball with the Have a Last Name That Is Also a Holiday Elimination Challenge. Stefan makes out with raw oysters.
