Certain things you can do that might turn out very badly for you. Borrowing money from the Mafia, for example. Posing naked for a photographer who is a stranger. But who worries about driving down a toll road? I can tell you who should: You! Over the last several years…
Decorazon Gallery in Bishop Arts has issued an international invitation to artists to submit works for an exhibition in February to be called “Farewell Shoes for Mr. Bush.” According to the invitation, it’s “a shoe art exhibition open to artists of all mediums and from around the globe, who will…
Status: Green Weight: 156.9 (-14.2) Mood: Hungry Hunched Over Happy! Tonight, we dine! Well, sorta. I’ll probably have some soup. Maybe an ease-out-of-it cracker or two. Nothing too crazy. After all, it’s been 10 days since my last food: A jalapeno cheeseburger on white bread and a handful of red grapes at…
Status: Green Weight: 157.6 (-13.5) Mood: Bitter Better It’s not that I’m craving or lusting food. I’m really not. It’s just that, well, God I’m sick of lemons. Buying them and cutting them and squeezing them and smelling them and having their juice sting my cuticles and, yes, drinking them. I’m even…
Status: Green Weight: 157.6 (-13.5) Mood: Restless Remorseful Resolved First, the desire hatched an idea. Then the idea became a challenge. The challenge bred committment. The committment begat stubborness. Now, stubborness has morphed into habit. The Master Cleanser has become second nature, a way of life. My weight seems to…
Yesterday’s New York Times travel section served up its “44 Places to go in 2009,” and guess what! Dallas was No. 17. And guess what! Absolutely no mention of the late 20th century TV series Dallas. Instead, The Times based its recommendation entirely on the arts district, whose name it…
Status: Green Weight: 158.0 (-13.1) Mood: Pissed Pensive Peaceful Wanna hear something gross? Well, that is half the reason you’re here, right? Okay, The Master Cleanser’s diabolical discharge doesn’t only come from the bottom floor. For the first week I’ve been blow-blow-blow-blowing my nose. So much so that I finally…
Status: Green Weight: 158.8 (-12.3) Mood: Bitchy Belligerent Beloved When you’re on The Master Cleanser, it’s the little things. No, really, the little things. This morning I was sipping my breakfast, chuckling at today’s supposed “breaking news” that I gave you two weeks ago about Michael Crabtree, considering what it must…
Whether you’re at the end of your rope or merely the end of your week, welcome to Whitt’s End: *First things first. If you plan to see this movie, or even think it looks remotely entertaining, please, leave these premises immediately. *Nothing official yet (UPDATE: Now it’s official), but I…
Status: Green Weight: 161.5 (-9.6) Mood: Crazy Caustic Content One of the benefits of losing weight is gaining time. When you stop eating – 5 days and counting – you realize exactly how much time we devote each day to food. The planning. The shopping. The commuting. The waiting. The…
Status: Green Weight: 162.0 (-9.1) Mood: Edgy Enraged Ecstatic Not a big fan of singing. Truth be told, I’m not head-over-heels in love with showers, either. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t find myself singing in the shower this morning. Granted it was an apropos Nine Inch Nails diddy – don’t…
OK, just tell me this. How do we greet him? Say I’m in the plumbing aisle at Home Depot bent forward at the waist searching for a beeswax toilet seal. I look up sideways. Damn it! It’s George W. Bush. “Oh, Hi, Mr. Presi…uh…former Mr….the ex…you… you… can you just…
Dear Mexican: I’m a Spanish teacher, and I’ve been hearing my students say a phrase that I am unsure what it means (if it truly means anything, which they swear it does). They say it’s a Mexican saying: Tiki tu madre. I don’t know what “tiki” means. So, I was…
Status: Green Weight: 165.8 (-5.3) Mood: Sad Stagnant Skeptical Surprised It’s weird about cravings. I’m quickly learning on this diet that it’s not your body that craves food, it’s your mind. With the nutrients from the lemons and syrup, my body – somehow – is fine. Energetic even. I’m sleeping…
The Dallas Morning News editorial page this morning takes another swipe at The Allen Group, the warehousing and logistics company trying to turn Dallas into a continental shipping hub. As usual, today’s offering is an exercise in convoluted insider speak that, if to be understood, requires the translation talents of…
Status: Yellow Weight: 167.8 ( -3.3) Mood: Hungry Horny Horrified Few times in a man’s life he finds himself running around the house, repeatedly gagging and pleading to anyone on his block, “Forget it, I want a dirty colon! I want a dirty colon!!” Try drinking a quart of warm…
Status: Green Weight: 171.1 Mood: Optimistic Committed Apprehensive So, this is it? 2009 rings in and we’re left to deal with no Cowboys, medicore Mavericks and a hockey team void of Brenden Morrow, Sean Avery and post-season potential? Bor-ring. I know, let’s spice things up a bit. With a pinch…
*In 2009, I’m going to change. Totally change. I’m going to develop an appreciation for sour cream, reality shows and Brett Favre. I will start tipping 20% to every waitperson because, after all, that’s what I’m supposed to do. I will be understanding of white pickup trucks that tailgate me and…
This is the time of year when most people who do what I do for a living write about what they think will happen in the year ahead. In other words, they take the day off. But I prefer to view the future through my own lens. What warms my…
Editor’s note: The Mexican is taking the holiday week off, so this week’s column is a rerun of one of his favorites from 2007. Dear Mexican: How do Mexicans get such ridiculous nicknames from seemingly normal names? For instance, José becomes Chepe, Eduardo is Lalo, Gabriel becomes Gabi, and Guillermo…
I actually love the way news pops up in The Dallas Morning News. I pick up the paper every single morning and feel as though I’m visiting a foreign city for the first time. Every story, even the most mundane, is a forehead-slapper, because I have no idea what they’re…
*I seem to be fresh out of cash, but I’ll betcha some leftover Christmas fruitcake that the Cowboys don’t win in Philly Sunday. A team that leads the league in penalties, can’t get in sync on something as simple as the center-quarterback snap, and allows the longest back-to-back running plays…
