You Know What They Say About Small Packages

Well, for one thing, they contain tiny gifts. Or dynamite. Or the new, sleeker model of Dallas’ Only Daily. With Byron Nelson’s death and Terrell Owens’ accidental non-suicide attempt, this week provided an immediate Litmus test for the post-buyout Dallas Morning News’ SportsDay section. And, like we feared, bigger was…

Lord of the Pings

This is the Byron Nelson most of us never knew–the young, strapping champ on his way to becoming the legend with whom we were all familiar. There’s plenty of other news in the sports world than what Terrell Owens was or wasn’t trying to do 36 hours ago, though you…

Déjà Boo

This much we know after yet another disappointing baseball season: Saturday Night Live reruns are way funnier than Texas Rangers reruns. Wanna see shortstop and All-Star Game MVP Michael Young giggle? Turn on SNL’s “more cowbell” skit before last Sunday’s home finale against the Cleveland Indians and watch him double…

T.O.: Oops.

Really, does this look like a guy who wants to kill himself? As expected, Terrell Owens just addressed the media at Valley Ranch and claimed he didn’t attempt suicide. He never said he was depressed, never swallowed 35 pills, never got his stomach pumped and, furthermore, plans on playing Sunday…

T.O. to T.A.L.K. Maybe. Probably.

Guess whose life is not really an open book. Go on. Guess. It’s one thing for Cowboys coach Bill Parcells to act like he didn’t know the name of Terrell Owens’ book last summer, but it’s almost criminal for him to show up today at Valley Ranch today and tell…

T.O. to T.A.L.K.

T.O.’s supposed to talk in about five minutes, which is good, since coach Bill Parcells just said at his press conference: “When I find out what the hell is going on, you will know.” There was quite the scene assembled at Owens’ Deep Ellum condo about an hour ago: agent…

Re: T.O., O.D.

Now comes word that T.O. just left the Baylor Medical Center, giving a thumbs-up but no comment to waiting reporters before jumping into an SUV and being driven back to his downtown condo. The seemingly premature release seems to minimize the “attempted suicide” theory. Or does it? –Richie Whitt…

Re: T.O., O.D.

A weird story keeps getting weirder. KXAS-Channel 5 sports anchor Newy Scruggs, one of the few local media types to have a sit-down with T.O., is reporting, as is Dallas’ Only Daily, that T.O.’s publicist, Kim Etheridge, says Owens was not trying to kill himself. Newy, who talked to Etheridge…

Re: T.O., O.D.

Dallas Police Department spokesman Lt. Rick Watson just held a press conference in which he didn’t deny a police report indicating Owens attempted suicide. Watson would only say that the information shouldn’t have been leaked to the media. Citing federal privacy laws, Watson didn’t take questions and said, “After our…

T.O., O.D.

This morning comes word Terrell Owens might have been trying to kill himself with painkillers. We’ve all seen how Terrell Owens can destroy franchises. Now, sadly, we’re witnessing that he can also be destructive to himself. According to several reports like this one this morning, the Dallas Cowboys receiver attempted…

Parcells Wonders, You a Player or a Pansy? (Update: Or a Suicide?)

That Bill Parcells–what a friggin’ sweetheart. In the issue of Sports Illustrated subscribers will get today or tomorrow, Cowboys running back Julius Jones is the subject of the short “First Person” column, by Peter King. It’s mostly silly, pointless stuff–what Jones watches on TV, his hardest collision, meeting Emmitt Smith,…

Assist to Avery

We have no doubt Avery Johnson can give one hell of a pep talk. But we’re also sure it sounds kinda funny. Couldn’t help but get goosebumps watching the Saints come home to New Orleans on Monday Night Football. The Saints beat the Falcons in their first game at the…

The World’s Oldest Major Leaguer

For years, this photo of the 1913 Homestead Grays has been on Baseball Almanac’s Web site without anyone knowing that Silas Simmons, the second from right in the middle row, was still alive. There’s a fascinating story in The New York Times this morning about a man no one knew…

The Hunt for Dead October

The Rangers will probaby finish the season below .500. For that, you have these two men to thank, among many. And, no, that’s Jon Daniels at left, not Tom Hicks’ bat boy. Alas, another fall without baseball has arrived in the metroplex. I took a masochistic field trip to the…

Re: Fat Ain’t Phat

A guy who thinks we’re ridiculous is somewhere in this picture. Jake Palenske runs NCompass Media, LLC out of Sachse; it’s a “multimedia production company [specializing] in rich-media projects for delivery on CD or DVD, DVD interface design,” and if you don’t know what that means, I can’t help ya…

U.S., Say What?

Tiger Woods is not only a great golfer, but also a foot rest. Looking for some good ol’ American athletic domination. Hmm, where to start. Soccer? Nope, didn’t win a single game in last summer’s World Cup. Baseball? Failed to even qualify for the last Olympics. How ’bout basketball, a…

Damn The Man

George Dunham doesn’t call Gordon Keith, pictured here, “The Arsonist” for nothing. Ask Norm Hitzges about it. Just don’t say anything to The Ticket’s new owners. Nuhn-unh. No. So Gordo’s giving it to Norm pretty good, and Frito’s all riled up, and you can tell there’s no script and, man,…

Chief Sitting Bull

Each weekend night the Mesquite Championship Rodeo is interrupted by a short drama, the script of which reads something like this: Act I: Bull. Act II: Shiiiiit!!! “Those guys have a screw loose,” says Darren Robertson, taking a sip of Monster energy drink while taking a shot at kamikaze cowboys…

Sit ‘Em, Cowboy!

There’s at least one guy in our regular poker game who could probably play Cowboy Poker, and not because he drinks a lot. No, not all. Yep, another cowboys column. But in this week’s paper version of Unfair Park I write not about Cowboys who catch pigskins, but rather cowboys…

Time For Some Mo Hockey? Already?

Mike Modano says he’s seeing Willa Ford “exclusively.” Either that means they’re getting married or about to break up. Seems like it was just yesterday we were burying your punchless, pathetic Dallas Stars after another first-round flameout in the NHL Stanley Cup playoffs. Actually, it was 111 days ago. But…

Somber Success

Bill Parcells always has that end-of-the-world demeanor. The missus says he “looks like the world’s most depressed man” and suggested myriad medications. “I’m feeling sick right now, literally,” Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells said after last night’s nationally televised game against the Washington Redskins. “With all the mistakes we made,…

Heisman Hand-off

Given the starts to UT and Vince Young’s respective seasons, well, let’s pretend it’s still 2005 and the Longhorns are rolling toward the title. Because this year, not so much. I know, you’re sick of Michelle Wie talking about wanting to play in a Ryder Cup and then going out…