This is how the scene must have looked at the Backdoor Comedy Club downtown on the night of February 1: It’s open mike night. In the lobby, a middle-aged woman with a mop of spiral curls is milling around in a blue polyester dress and white sneakers, carrying a boom…
Hey, Chicken Little? Noticed anything weird about the sky lately? Kinda sinking a little bit there in the middle. Nothing like freaking out over nothing to get the blood boiling, right, Chickie? Little might want to join his like-minded buddies of the Greater Dallas Chamber for their next Business After…
Ennis’ Wooden Nickel bar is the only place in town that serves alcohol after midnight. Tonight is the bartender’s birthday, and the deeply tanned distributor of drinks has opted to celebrate by not wearing much underwear. It’s her birthday; she’ll wear a thong if she wants to. Unfortunately, her denim…
Do you think we’re never going to survive unless we get a little crazy? Have you been kissed by a rose on the grave? Have you twice impregnated supermodel Heidi Klum? If so, then you’re probably Seal Samuel, survivor of a childhood battle with discoid lupus that left you with…
How doth thee love the ladies? You buy them cheap drinks in hopes of getting in their pants. You courteously text-message them a couple days after getting them in the sack…to get that Shiner you accidentally left in the fridge. You do not love the ladies, you poseur! Atone for…
Visualize the inside of any of the following stores: Abercrombie and Fitch, American Apparel, Forever 21, Madewell, Urban Outfitters. Imagine the merchandise and the salespeople. Realize that you’re probably better at this visualization than if we’d asked you to describe the inside of a soup kitchen you frequent, the church…
Tiresome, bumbling Barney the Dinosaur. Chattering, yapping Pee-Wee Herman. These were the great Saturday morning TV characters of Generation-Y’s childhood. A disturbingly happy, mentally deficient dinosaur and a pasty dude with questionable sexual interests? Worst of all was the veneer of innocence cast over their dark cores. Better that I…
The spring light dims across a Northwest Dallas backyard. The soft glow from a cluster of white candles circling a young oak tree illuminates the freshly tended lawn. Dangling strings of iridescent paper and shimmering white Christmas lights give the yard a heavenly glow. A gray-haired man in Wrangler jeans…
Wouldn’t it be nice to be one of the cool kids, just for once? Wouldn’t you like to be asked to the prom—as a sophomore? You would. You’d like to sway slowly under rows and rows of shimmering lights in the school gym to Garth Brooks’ classic “The Dance.” You’d…
ABC news anchor Bob Woodruff is like that friend whose life is so perfect and great you just hate them for it, but you can’t kick out of your life because they’re so freaking nice and cool. Bob Woodruff is the guy who can eat whatever he wants and never…
Wanna swap closets? No, not you. I was asking Gwen Stefani, who’s standing behind you. (Kidding. Unless you’re Gavin Rossdale.) But she’s not likely to give up her designer duds anytime soon, so I’ll just check out the Dallas Closet Swap at the Women’s Museum at Fair Park, 3800 Parry…
Tired of hot-wiring a Highland Park Hummer, driving around the Park Cities every trash day and digging through the diamond-encrusted garbage for goodies on the cheap? Me too. I love those Tory Burch flats I scored off Douglas Avenue (so they smelled of rotten eggs, like I care.) However, they…
Breasts? Is that really the best we can do? Has the human race not yet evolved beyond producing mammary tissue as the prime location for autograph signing? This is 2007, people. Getting your boobs signed in black Sharpie is like watching movies on Beta. It’s time for something new. So…
Sanjaya, gone from American Idol! Alas, I barely knew him. Our time together was but brief, comprised of stolen moments on YouTube and furtive glances at celebrity gossip blogs. And though now the Indian warbler is forever gone from the Idol ranks, he will always be in my heart. For…
People these days are becoming obsessed with color—in a good way, since it lets you know what part of the body you’re supposed to be caring about. Yellow? That’s for balls. Pink? That’s for boobs. Red? That’s for the whole, head-to-toe shebang, since red is the patron color of HIV/AIDS…
Some people just have no shame, flaunting their bad habits for all to see. Like coke ‘n’ roll super-couple Kate Moss and Pete Doherty, who recently started rival scab collections. And Nicole Richie, who went from curvy to scurvy in about two weeks, like we were going to believe any…
Before KMVK-107.5 FM MOViN’ launched last October, we were forced to endure call-in bits like “Dateless in Dallas” (more accurately, “brainless in Dallas”) on KISS-106.1 FM if we wanted any hope of hearing 45 seconds of pop goodness from Beyoncé or Kelly Clarkson. KISS had no room for the classics,…
Picture folks in burkas and and saris lining the halls of First Baptist Dallas, ooh-ing and ahh-ing, calling for encores of yet another verse of “Amazing Grace.” Would that sermons on the book of Micah were like riveting monologues from Tony-winning plays, capturing the imaginations and wonder of tourists the…
The guy responsible for coming up with the euphem-tastic names for James Bond women ought to be hanging his head just now: The fact that some buxom swingerette named Pink Martini hasn’t been pinned down and given the 007 treatment yet is downright shameful. But despite Pink Martini’s linguistically suggestive…
In days of yore, P.E. class meant pegging the stinky, skinny kid during dodge ball and gagging if you had to stand next to him at the free-throw line for basketball practice. Today, P.E. class at Wilshire Elementary in Euless means taking the arm of the stinky, skinny kid and…
In classrooms across the country, little girls with acerbic wits are told every day, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” After all, we’re composed of sugar and spice. Boys get a little leeway—a tough exterior and a “You want summa this?” attitude are…
Common English mistake made by people who don’t know how to speak common English: saying “literally” when one means “figuratively.” Did someone literally lose his lunch at the sight of Laura Miller naked? Then he or she better have misplaced the noontime food he planned to eat immediately upon receiving…
