Time Bandits

Every once in a while the Burning Question crew selects a topic so straightforward that we pursue a few minutes of effortless research and spend the rest of the weekend bowled over in a drunken stupor, participating in events we vaguely remember, thanking those responsible for Miranda rights.

But we don’t want to get into that now.

The intriguing part of this week’s Burning Question rests in the performance after the act rather than in the act itself. The answer itself is obvious. “It depends on the woman and the time of day,” explains Risa Robertson, bartender at Zubar. “It can be five minutes or less, unless you’re in a bar full of gay men. Even then it’s no more than 15 minutes.”

You see? We all knew that one. The custom is of such standing men and women participate equally. “We expect men to buy us drinks,” says Trish Ziots, sipping a free beer at The Gingerman. “Women come in, and they’ll wait around until a guy buys them a drink,” adds Emily Loving, bartender at Whisky Bar, “and they won’t buy a drink themselves the entire night.” Yet men don’t just throw money at every woman in the bar. A woman sitting alone may be waiting for her boyfriend or husband and thus avoid unsolicited drinks while nearby men size up the situation. Large packs of women may intimidate men–until the men gather near equal numbers. Other factors include location, the woman’s outfit and/or silicone enhancements and age.

“Young men don’t buy drinks as readily,” says Ziots. “Older men are quick on the draw.” (Ironically, the roles reverse for other acts). Eventually, however, most unescorted women will receive an unsolicited drink–typically within 20 minutes of sitting at a bar or table.

But here’s where the story gets interesting. Men excel at the simple purchase. But, according to women in bars across the Dallas area, men often stumble appallingly in the follow-through. For example, April Wilson recalls the guy who offered her a drink and then asked, “Are you upwind from me, because when I breathe in all I smell is you.” Rachel Pool, bartender at The Gingerman, tells of a man who tried one line, without success, on three different women. “He said, ‘Do you want to get a pizza and fuck?’ When they said ‘What?’ he’d say, ‘You mean you don’t like pizza?'” (The line is actually an old joke. Hopefully, Romeo knew that.)

Loving just shakes her head when she describes truly inexpert men. “There are guys who go down the bar getting turned down,” she says. “Then they go to the next woman, then the next one, the next one, and so on.”

Even female bartenders must suffer the approaches of male patrons. “Somebody’s trying to buy a bartender a drink every five minutes,” claims Chandra Vanderkolk at Billiard Bar, which staffs up to five women behind the bar. Billiard Bar even flashes bad pick-up lines (“If you were a booger I’d pick you first”) on a sign.

Instead of a flashy presentation followed by a pathetic line, female bartenders suggest a slower, more sophisticated approach. “Be subtle about it,” says Loving. “Just ask the bartender to send a drink over and wait for her to respond. That way it puts things in the woman’s court, and women feel a little more in control if they have the option to respond.” If she does indeed fall for…um, respond…avoid the direct approach. “Be candid, be yourself,” Robertson urges. “Someone who’s having a good time, is confident, has a good smile, and asks questions–that’s really attractive.”

Of course, that seems like a lot of work.